


Low Self Esteem I

by GrimmjowKurosaki19



Category: Batman (Comics), DCU (Comics), Red Robin (Comics), Robin (Comics), Teen Titans (Comics), Young Justice (Comics)
Genre: Anorexia, Eating Disorders, F/M, M/M, Past Relationship(s), Self-Esteem Issues, Triggers, poor Tim
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-02-09
Updated: 2015-06-21
Packaged: 2018-03-11 09:37:04
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply, Underage
Chapters: 2
Words: 4,607
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3322616
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/GrimmjowKurosaki19/pseuds/GrimmjowKurosaki19
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Low self-esteem can result from various factors, including genetic factors, physical appearance or weight, mental health issues, socioeconomic status, peer pressure or bullying.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> English is not my native language. I'm sorry.  
> buuut...   
> JustTeahPlease was kind enough to help me with my grammar problems. Thanks you.

 

**_They are indecisive, they have difficulty making decisions, they have an exaggerated fear of failure. They only make a decision when they are completely sure to get 100% results._ **

 

Jason is pretty sure Tim knows what he’s doing. Or at least that he knows about his intentions towards him. He's made them clear.

Asking him out, giving him expensive gifts, behaving like a human being, doing patrol with him and  _actually_  letting him patrol his part of the city.

Yeah… He’s pretty sure Tim knows what’s happening between the two of them since the very moment he stopped beating him black and purple.

So when, everytime he asks him out on a date, the only answer he gets is a lame “I’m not sure we should” with such  _sympathetic_  and pained eyes, he starts to believe that maybe Tim doesn’t wants him and doesn’t know how to tell him. But then Tim gives him those  _looks._

So  _pining_  and hopeful.

And he doesn’t understand, because he has made his intentions clear. That he likes him and that he wants to be with him. That he  _trusts_  him. That he wants them to be together.

And sometimes Tim tells him things like “I’m not sure” “What if everything goes wrong?” “We can’t be sure this is going to work”

And when he knows he can’t assure him that everything will be alright, that they’re going to work.

When the only thing he can assure him of is that _they can try_  instead of giving him the “We can make it happen” that Tim needs.  
When he knows it isn’t enough.

He gives up.

And then he looks at him. Always so sad and  _resigned_. Like telling him that he knew this was going to happen in the end.

And he feels like dying again.

 

**_They don’t value their talents and potential. They see their talents as small, while those of others look great and even exaggerated._ **

 

Once. Tim hacked his way into some ofBlüdhaven’s biggest Mafia bosses' entire cash vaults and donated all the money to several charity institutions. Anonymously.

In less than an hour.

It was incredible and it did really  _change_  several lives for good, but when he congratulated him for it the only answer he got was.

"It was nothing. Really- I mean you  _fought_  ten of their men all by yourself. The only thing I did was sit on my ass playing with a computer while you were fighting out there.” And then he actually  _apologized_  for it.

Dick thought nothing of it, and even through the years when it kept happening, he thought nothing of it.

Because Tim probably actually couldn’t see how amazingly smart he was. Maybe he was humble like that. He probably thought it was  _normal._

And man, if Tim thought that  _that_  was easy, he would really like to see what he could do if he  _really_  put his mind to it.

He could do great things.

Years forward, even when Tim did great things. Even when Tim put real effort in great things. Even when Tim did things that couldn’t possibly be _human._

Like bring a man back from the dead or outsmart Ra’s Al Ghul of all people.

He kept saying it was nothing.

And he kept apologizing.

Because he couldn’t do it faster or better or just  _because._

And even when he knew that Tim was doing actually impossible things. He thought nothing of it.

Because Tim could probably do better.

 

**_They fear the new and avoid risks._ **

 

When Jason asks him to be his Robin, he does the only thing he can do.

He runs.

He runs because it is new. Because it’s  _unknown._

Because no one actually  _wanted_  him for anything. His entire life is a continuous motion of people who have to put up with him. From his parents who had to raise him, to Dick who has to be his brother,to the Titans who have to be friends with him for the sake of the team, to Batman who had to take him as his Robin because he  _needed_  a Robin.

No one actually wants him more than they  _need_ him, and that's fine.

It's his safe heaven.

If he is needed, then he doesn't have to be alone and he can be with people, even when they don’t actually  _want_  him to be there.

But, to be wanted. Surely he couldn’t be wanted. Why would anyone want him? _Him_?

No, it has to be a mistake, and even if it is real, it can’t possibly be safe.

Because want is such a capricious thing. Want can fade away. Just like that. Most people don’t even know what they want.

And with Jason.

With Jason you never know. He’s crazy. Isn’t he? He would probably take him, only to realize that he didn’t want him because. Why would he?

And he would probably just throw him away. Just because he  _could._

And it would be nice if for some reason (maybe his sanity) Jason could actually want him. It would be really wonderful.

But

He can’t be sure.

He can’t be sure and he knows that if he does just that. Leaves everything behind to be Jason’s Robin. Be  _Jason’s_  because he wants him.

Then he could be left behind without the safety of having another place to go to. Someone to go to.

It's too risky.

So he runs. And runs and never looks back because he can’t be tempted. He can’t  _afford_  to be tempted.

And even when he’s left behind anyway, because no one needs him anymore, because there is another Robin. A better one. A wanted one.

He runs.

Because he’s not sure if he can endure being thrown away again

 

**_They are very passive and avoid taking the initiative._ **

 

The kid is always there when she goes to her garden (Dick’s kid, her mind supplies bitterly). He never makes a move. Most of the time, he doesn’t even  _look_  at her, and that’s how she knows that the kid is not there for her, but for the  _flowers._

It’s kind of cute.

Sometimes the kid just stares at her when she waters the plants. And his eyes are full of such  _want_  that makes her flinch with the instinctive desire to beat him. Because,at some point along the way, she started to hate men and their eyes and lustful looks.

But then she notices.

That his eyes aren’t set on her chest or her ass, but in the whole action of her wateringthe flowers. And she knows. That the want is his desire to do just _that._

And Kory wonders why he never does it or why he never asks.

She knows she is pretty frightful. She has built herself to be like that. Strong and threatening.  
That’s her safe heaven.

Butsurely the kid knows that she would never hurt him for wanting to water her garden? Maybe he’s just shy.

So she waits. For him to ask. Because she knows the kid will treat her flowers with respect and kindness.

But he never asks.

So she takes the initiative.

He’s hesitant at first. Kind of clumsy. So different from the Robin she’s used to see. He trembles and always waits for her to tell him what to do.

And she likes it. The submission in his actions.

It’s different from the kind of submission she’s used to trigger in men. This is a deep down in his soul submission- Like. He  _knows_  what his place is when it comes to her.

And she kind of craves for it.

 

**_They are isolated people. They’re shy and have almost no friends or very few._ **

 

At some point (probably when Bruce returned and he could go back to being a brother instead of a parent), Dick realizes that Tim is never in the manor anymore.

And he might have his own flat now, but even when he was a kid and lived in a very different house, he was always there. Like- a 24/7 sort of thing.

But now he’s lucky if he sees him out on patrol. Because apparently now he has his own rogues' gallery and his own part of the city, and now the only one who ever sees him is Jason, and  _only_  when he’s Red Hood and Tim Red Robin.

It’s like they’re strangers all over again.

But now Dick is the lonely kid and Tim is the  _betrayed_  and hurt young man. And the worst part of it is that he knows this is partly his doing.

He asks around.

And no. Tim doesn’t talk with the Titans anymore. Even Conner is  _lucky_  if he answers his phone once in a while. Bruce doesn’t even  _notice_ , because Tim is doing his job at WE and he’s patrolling so he must be  _fine_.

Dick wonders if there is a way to fix this. He wonders day and night, especially when he watches the back of his brother’s cape in the distance and doesn’t have the courage to follow.

He wonders and wonders.

And he’s not sure if he wants to know the answer.

 

**_They don't like to share their feelings with others._ **

 

He sees Bruce hugging Damian as if it’s the most normal thing in the world. And he wonders. Is it normal? Do parents always hug their sons without reason? Just  _because?_  
He wants to ask.  
And he wants to ask. Why haven’t you hugged me like that?  
But he knows that it isn’t his place.  
So he walks away.

He sees Bruce telling Jason (almost on the verge of tears) That he forgives him and that he will always _love_  him.  
And he wonders.  
Have you ever told me you loved me?  _Do you?_  
Is anyone able to love me?  
I’m not your son. Am I? That’s why you don’t forget my mistakes.  
That’s why you’d never tell me that you love me?  
But he knows that it isn’t his place.  
So he takes his leave and leaves them alone.

He sees Bruce congratulating Dick for finally getting together with Babs again. With such  _pride_. And obviously happy for his son’s happiness.  
And he wonders. Have you ever been proud of me? Have you ever been happy for my happiness?   
Do you even  _care?_  
Am I part of this family or just a convenient worker for your crusade?  
Would you notice if I was happy? Do you realize that I’m not?  
And he wants to yell at him.  
I’m not happy! I’m not content! I don’t even feel like I’m  _alive_  anymore!  
Do you care about it  _at all?_  
But he knows that it isn’t his place (and he doesn’t know if he  _wants_  to know).  
So he walks away. Far, far away.

He sees the family making a birthday party for Alfred.  
And he remembers.  
Dick’s birthday, Jason’s, Damian’s. The celebrations for them. All happy and always full of love and the unknown feeling of  _family._  
And he remembers.  
His birthday.  
When no one remembered it. When Dick was far away in Blüdhaven, and when Jason told him to go the fuck away on patrol, and when Damian told him to return to his place because the manor wasn’t his home anymore, and when Bruce asked him if he got the weekly WE paperwork ready.  
And him alone at night trying to take a bullet from his leg with a bottle of Vodka on the table.  
And he wonders.  
If birthday parties are supposed to demonstrate the joy that you feel for someone being alive. Does that mean that you aren’t happy for me being alive? Would you care if I wasn’t? Would you notice it?  
But he knows it isn’t his place to ask and he knows that he probably won’t like the answer.  
So he takes his keys and tells them that he’s busy and that he is sorry but he has to go. He smiles when no one turns to look at him and wonders when they will notice that he isn’t there.  
And then he wonders if they even  _will._

 

 

 

 


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Well ... about this chapter : one , This part is focused on His family and friends realizing about His Problem , This part is pretty Damian - centric as he is the one who notices first.  
> This part is also pretty focused on anorexia as it is one of the more dangerous parts of LSE along with suicide.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well second chapter is on! I'm sorry for the wait, I actually have no excuses. But I expect you to enjoy this chapter nonetheless.  
> Once again. English is not my mother language and if you find any mistakes, please tell me.

**_Virtually all experts agree that LSE is typical of people with eating disorders and LSE might provably be the cause_ ** **_. Anorexia Nervosa in Males: Anorexia is a life-threatening disorder that is characterized by self-starvation and excessive weight loss. Some Symptoms include: Food rituals, lying about eating or difficulty eating around others._ **

 

Damian is the one who notices it.

At first, is because they all eat together like the family they are, but Tim never does. Tim always has a previous appointment or something to work in, or he's just tired. Damian would love to say that he’s happy because of it.

 

But he’s not.

 

Now, it's true that Damian wanted him gone, and for some time, even dead. But he'd grown up and now Tim is more like a brother to him (The only one near his age. One of the few of the family that he can actually relate to)

 

Damian starts to see him as something dear, something to protect. It's his blood calling to him. The Al Ghul DNA kicking in.

Protect your own, don't allow what you hold dear to spoil, and now apparently; be fascinated by Tim Drake. (Because his grandfather did that, too)

 

And as creepy as it may seems. Damian notices every single detail about Drake; he knows that body like the back of his hand. (He used to draw him. He should know). What he notices, is that the Red Robin is losing weight.

 

His moves, that long time ago, were gracious, like the one’s of a beautiful bird, are now retrained, like he doesn’t know how to move his body anymore, like it was distorted. Damian knows that bodily changes are hard to keep up when you work like an acrobat and a fighter at the same time, but these changes are normal on him; he’s a fourteen years old teen ager. Tim is a practically a grown man. When he loses weigh, just like that.

 

It’s because something is wrong.

 

Damian discovers the anorexia just by following trough the pointers, Drake is methodic like that. He thinks bitterly, he doesn’t do this half trough.

 

He starves himself and lies about appointments; he even _gags_ when he sees to grassy meals.

 

“Have you eaten?” He asks one day, when there is no one to take him home and Drake is the only one with time to do so. He looks weak his eyes are shallow and his fingers against his own feel cadaveric, cold and scrawny.

 

“Yes, I did” Answers Drake, without even looking at him “In the morning, just before coming to get you” He adds, lying through his teeth. His hands are shaky and his skin is deathly pale “I’m just not hungry now but if you want to eat we can stop somewhere” He suggests.

 

“Are you going to eat with me?” He asks hopefully.

 

“No” Answers Tim “I’m not hungry”

 

Damian worries, like any little brother would, if his big brother were there, next to him, starving himself and lying about eating.

 

But he just doesn’t know what to do.

 

**_It stands to reason that those with low self esteem might have chaotic relationships._ ** **_Self-focused, hypersensitive, feeling unlovable, defensive and with other consequences of low self esteem, it would obviously be difficult to build and maintain a close, honest, mature relationship._ **

 

His first time is with Kon, who says he loves him more than anything in the world and who would do everything to make him happy. They have sex for the first time in the Young Justice nest –the one they’ve build as a home, a shelter and a sanctuary-. Between the sheets, trying to be as silent as possible and avoiding to wake up their team mates in the middle of the night.

 

It doesn’t end well. Because they’re kids, but mostly because they don’t _fit_ , they would, probably but there is just so little communication between them…

 

Sometimes Tim screams, when he sees Superboy flirting with random girls and boys, because Tim is not out, because they can’t tell Batman. Tim knows he shouldn’t have started this relationship. Because they have different needs, Superboy loves the attention he gets, Tim needs being as anonymous as possible.

 

They scream at each other, they have hate sex at some point and they break up. Once and again and then one more time, until they can’t take it anymore.

 

Until Kon calls it quits, until he says that he can’t keep doing it. And he ends up things himself. For good, no more second chances for them.

 

And they break up forever. Kon meds his broken heart with Cassie, Tim does the same, with work, adrenaline and the thrill of risking his life daily,

 

Bart watches this, with sad eyes and disappointment in his features, all over the years. It’s like watching the parents fight and divorce.

 

He watches Tim having dirty affairs with villains, like Ra’s Al Ghul or Lynx, he’s heard of Darla Aquista, the princes of one the mafia bosses of Gotham.

 

Tim is not good at taking care of himself he thinks, as he watches him fight with both Kon and Stephanie over Jason, his new paramour, the one he doesn’t even want to recognize as a boyfriend.

 

The one who tried to kill him.

 

“You don’t have the right!” Screams the blue eyed boy, loud enough for the whole titans tower to hear “We are not together anymore” He spats pointing at them both with a black, gloved finger “I’m with Jason now” He states under the pained faces of his two exes, and Bart knows that he wants that pain in there, he’s cold like that. Sometimes “You don’t get to be petty about this” He says, and it sounds like an ultimatum “Because you weren’t there” Steph looks like she wants to cry. Kon is crying “I needed you and you weren’t there” He repeats with watery beautiful eyes “But he was” He composes himself and exits the room without even a glance of the two persons he claimed to love. Once upon a time, when he was a kid and everything seemed at least a little easier. Just a little.

 

In a few minutes he’ll probably be out of the tower, in his way to Gotham.

 

Bart wonders how long is Jason going to last.

 

**_Unreasonable Expectations:_ ** **_Low self esteem sufferers often the need to"test the love and devotion" of people they are with, throwing out cues as to what they want or need and then expecting their partner's, friends, and family to pick up these cues and supply what's wanted or needed._ **

****

Jason sees Kurt, in the distance, jumping off a building. He’s injured and his arm is obviously dislocated, he’s been fighting with Killer Crok and even when he ended up winning the fight he also had to jump off a big gothic gargoyle in the top of the building in a vain attempt at evading the rouge’s tail when the beast passed out. But he slipped. And he’s not going to make it, and Jason is too far away to pick him up. Even though he knows he isn’t the one Tim wants to be saved by.

 

Jason loves him, but Tim doesn’t love him back. He’s still in love with the clone boy, and despite the fact that he and Jason are kind of an item now he keeps doing these little test of fate. Risking his life to see who saves him, always secretly expecting that person to be Superboy or Dick.

 

Jason feels the tears prickling in his eyes, the cold salty drops of water in his cheeks against the freezing air of the night in Gotham. As he watches helplessly to the only man he’d ever loved practically killing himself trying to prove the love of others for him.

 

He wants to scream “I love you!” and “Isn’t it enough?” but Tim is always so far away from him and it always seems that he’s fighting something that is bigger than Killer Crok and deadliest that any villain they’d have ever fought.

 

Jason knows. His lover is fighting depression, but he doesn’t know what to do, nothing more than showing him how much he loves him every day, like waiting for him to wake up to getting out of bed, or kissing him in public even when they’re out of the mask.

 

At the end, Damian saves him, the now bigger than Tim teen ager takes the thin form of a passed out Tim in his arms with such tenderness that makes Jason worried of an incoming crush.

He silently thanks him, though. Because tonight he saved Tim, and for that, he couldn’t thank him enough.

 

At the end of the night, Damian ends with an armful of his big brother, who’s starving himself and being relentlessly bold and daring for no reason.

 

Jason walks over to him and stretches his arms in a silent statement for his need to take his lover in his arms; to feel the Kevlar in his costume, the warm of his body, his heart running, pumping in his chest, his little weight on his arms and his breath forming little clouds of mist on the darkness of Gotham.

 

Damian indulge, even when reluctantly “He’s dying” Chokes out the teen when Tim is safe in the arms of his boyfriend, his voice uneasy and broken “He’s killing himself” Spats with his typical anger lingering in the undertone “We have to do something”

 

**_Hypervigilance:_ ** _**Feeling inadequate, as thought they don't fit in, and then constantly** **fearful**   **of repercussions, low self esteem sufferers watch others in an effort to figure out what to do and say, what to wear-what seems to work.**_

 

Tim is in his new cave, the one under his apartment in the old theater, he is training, watching old videos of Dick as Nightwing. The video is in slow motion, so he can simulate the movements as if he were watching a yoga video.

 

Dick sees his little brother jumping back in the floor, resting his elbows for balance as he stretches his left leg over his head, just as the recorded version of him does to kick some lowly gang member. Tim’s body seems to ache from the almost inhumane position, Dick is accustomed to it, he’d been working in his flexibility since age four.

 

The video changes, and Dick sees with rapid morbidity as Tim starts to practice Catwoman’s fighting skills. From the over-sexualized movement of her hips to her almost, unnerving speed.

 

Dick remembers, from the back of his mind, Damian’s words. The reason of _why_ he came to visit his brother out of the blue like this.

 

“I went to his place yesterday” Had confessed his brother “Just to visit” He said while blushing “And he was training, some old videos, he was training how to be you, Jason and father. Even some rogues”  Dick was about to say something, like –he wasn’t actually trying to be us- But Damian interrupted him “I’m serious, he was copying every move. And he didn’t stop, even when he saw me” Then Damian, with the vulnerability of his real age actually showing, looked over at him, big, blue, terrified eyes, looked at him begging “Please do something” He pleaded “He’s dying”

 

So Dick is here now.

 

“Hey!” He greets cheerfully but Tim doesn’t stop his training “Little bro” He insists and this time, Tim stops.

 

“Dick” Smiles Tim, but he looks tired and sick, Dick wonders how could he miss the pale glow of his skin, the concave of his now, bared stomach, the cadaveric delicate form of his body. “I’m sorry but I’m busy now” He apologizes I just can’t get this step right” He mutters, resentfully glaring to a caption of Dick, when he was Robin. He’s gingerly jumping around, fighting off villains. But then, he jumps in both hands, and uses the traction to impulse himself and double-kick some more bad guys.

 

Dick smiles “Tell you what” He says “You come and eat with me and Damian and I’ll help you out with it”

 

Tim watches him, carefully and calculating, Dick wonders when they came to this. That Tim doubts him.

 

“Yeah” Says Tim “I’d like that” Dick sees it as process and smiles at his brother.

****

**_Other factors in the development of low self-esteem are parents who are not home enough to interact with their children or to even know what is going on in their school, in their activities, or who their friends are._ **

 

Bruce had seen the boy of the Drakes many times, even when he didn’t even had Dick as a son.

 

He saw him in the streets, in the arms of a nanny as a baby or walking alone, sometimes even at age three, he would sneak out and take tea with Alfred during the weekends.

 

Over the years the neglect would be more notorious, like those business trips over the seas or the fact that Tim could cook for himself when he was ten and sometimes helped Alfred in the kitchen.

 

Or when Tim was Robin, after Tim’s mother died and his dad became an alcoholic.

 

Sometimes when Tim was just a kid and he was wandering around Bristol with a big camera taking pictures of _everything,_ Bruce would ask about his parents “Mum and Dad are just busy” Would say the quiet but high pitched voice of a little Tim. As if a kid of his age, walking around Gotham alone was the most normal thing in the world “They don’t have time for me, but that’s okay”

 

Bruce swears being a better father than the Drakes have ever been. And when he has a shoot at being _Tim’s father_ he swears to himself that he’s going to be the best. He’s going to show Tim what fatherly love is actually like.

 

But then Jason comes back, and Damian shows up, and Dick takes his cape and everything is just too difficult, he has more kids to worry about and Tim had always been the strong one.

 

Or at least, that’s what he tells himself when he forgets Tim’s birthday or when he hasn’t seen him for _days._

 

But now, now Damian is glaring at him, as if he was the worst parent in the world and Jason is drinking himself silly in some bar, Dick is just crying and the Titans are arguing.

 

He’s in the waiting room because Tim is in the hospital, not for some wound in battle but because he had a bradycardia and his heart actually stopped at some point.

 

Bruce doesn’t know what to do, Damian won’t talk to him, and Dick is too busy crying his heart out. But the doctor comes out of the room and everyone just goes _silent._

 

“Mister Wayne?” Asks the doctor, looking over his papers in a formal manner.

 

“Yes” Says Bruce breathless.

 

“We successfully stabilized your son” He assures him “But he’s not out of danger yet” He warns.

 

“Why… why did this happened” He asks helplessly “Is he sick?”

 

“No” Answers the doctor quickly “At least no in the way you think” He says cryptically “Your son had a bradycardia for food breakdown he’s not eating, he’s probably anorexic” Announces the man “We’re looking for permission to hospitalizing him for suicide attempt”

 

Bruce doesn’t know what to say but Damian talks before him “Yes” He says and he sound so young “Yes, you can”  


End file.
